Saturday, October 30, 2004

I keep a checklist of the symptoms of the onset of depression. I began noting indicators in mid August. Insomnia, lousy appetite, no interest in sex, they were all there. Saturday, Wendy and I had a nice evening and enjoyed exploring each others body for the first time, then Sunday I ruminated all day as to why she'd want to be involved with pathetic miserable me.

Tuesday evening I cratered both emotionally and physically. At ballet I felt faint and as I was sitting trying to keep control of my faculties I began vomiting. Anne Marie brought me home and stayed till morning to ensure I'd be all right. Wednesday and Thursday I pretty much stayed in bed with a fever and I couldn't eat anything. I tried getting up to check email or read a blog or two but I tired quickly so I went back to bed. Friend kept coming by to check on me, which was comforting.

Friday morning I woke in tears. I've learned to manage my depression and I revel in my mania, but I fear the anxiety. It was the anxiety that hospitalized me, and Friday morning I believed that the monster was back. I began to review coping mechanisms and though it was early I called my psychiatrist and asked the service to have him call me. I got myself up, cleaned and dressed. Since Elyse was walking the pugs I sat down and made a list of little things I could accomplish, some were chores or work, but others were fun. Anything that I could focus on and accomplish was good.

The doctor called back and we talked for a while. He reminded me that he has prescribed medication for just this situation and he suggested that I begin taking it and to see him on Monday.

I picked up my room, which was a mess, then made the bed. For the first time in a couple of days I was hungry so I tried some fruit and dry toast. It stayed down. I did a few other small chores and began to feel tired. Physically tired not mentally, so I napped for a bit. By mid afternoon the pugs wanted to go out. I took them to the small park that is nearby and let them loose to play while I found a bench in the sun. The sun felt warm and I felt better.

There were two elderly women in the park with their little dogs. It was fun to watch the four dogs chase one and other and play fight. While this was going on I thought about those two women both frail and a bit unsteady helping each other. I wondered how long they've been friends, how long they have been helping and caring for each other. The four dogs came and dropped to the ground at my feet panting with the pugs adding snorts to the sound effects. The women asked about the pugs and where we lived. After a bit we collected our charges and headed home.

I felt much better today in everyway and decided to try a little shopping. I had a few basics I need to pick up and also I wanted to look for a dressy winter coat. I didn't see anything that excited me and since winter is still a bit off I don't need it.

Thank you all for the notes and comments of encouragement and concern. It's comforting to know that people care about you and are concerned when you're gone.



Blogger HeroineGirl said...

Welcome back beautiful.

I won't chide you for being depressed, I know you would be hard on yourself, enough. I want you to picture how you are feeling as a big ball on top of you, it is still wonderful you underneath, you need to know that with the love and support of your friends and family, you will roll the ball of your chest and send it bouncing on down the street.

It is not you, just the ball. You are still and always remain, delightful and passionate, creative and expressive. I am here if you need me.

Love always


p.s maybe reading my blog is depressing as well !

2:30 AM  
Blogger HeroineGirl said...

I am ready for my coronation to sweaty dove status.
I prefer sweaty to soiled. lol.
But beggars cannot be choosers.

Giggles and Bowties

3:02 AM  
Blogger HeroineGirl said...

Remember the ball theory, it works!
definately helped me on bad days.

Love HG

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

try yoga or meditation sweets. it will put some distance between you and your thoughts, or emotions.


10:20 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Henry, thanks for the idea of the yoga and meditation.


11:19 PM  
Anonymous Pati Berg said...

I can relate to the symptoms you described because I suffered through them for many years until I was finally diagnosed with depression. I found some great information about depression at I hope this is useful.

1:09 AM  

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