Monday, January 24, 2005

Dad and Juliette came for brunch Sunday. They brought pictures of the house they will be renting in Capetown. It’s quite contemporary and sits on a hillside overlooking the ocean. Very nice. They are moving in on the first of February.

I’ve not written much regarding the history of my relationship with Dad. Yes I love him and know that our relationship is based on love and respect. But we are still working through issues left over from my adolescence. For me it is the feeling that he abandoned me and left me to take care of Mom when I could barely care for myself and for him it is the guilt he feels for leaving me in that situation.

At fourteen, I was the last child at home and the little narcissist in me wanted to bathe in the glow of my parent’s attention. But it was also the period when my parent’s marriage began to fracture and my mother’s descent into mental illness began. Their fights were terrible, Mom accused Dad of cheating on her and he’d deny it. I didn’t know whom to believe and though my siblings didn’t believe Dad was cheating, they weren’t around so they couldn’t be sure. One of the worse things is Mom’s paranoia (now we realize that is what it was) was episodic. She could be capable of nurturing me when I needed help and later accuse me of plotting with Dad against her. This culminated with her accusing him of molesting me (untrue) and seeking a restraining order against him after he moved out.

The summer I was fifteen they shipped me off to my grandparents (Mom’s parents) so they could act out the death throes of their marriage. When Dad met me at the airport that Labor Day he told me they were divorcing, which was not a surprise. What was a surprise was that he had moved to an apartment near his school, twenty-plus miles away. A few days following my return, Mom filed a child abuse complaint against him and seeing him became almost impossible for me. He finished the semester and took a leave of absence and moved to Boston.

Prior to Mom’s suicide, we were fortunate and smart enough to take the opportunity to air our differences and today I am thankful that we talked. With Dad it’s more complicated because talking with me brings up all sorts of unresolved feelings about my Mother. So the going is sometimes slow, but he’s trying and we’re trying.

I’m not sure how his and Juliette’s move to South Africa will effect our conversations. I believe things are at the point where we can write and talk on the phone because we’ve made a lot of progress.


The Retailer called again and I saw him today. That may be the last time. This relationship feels like work and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of it.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Notice how when you post erotic things people comment....when you give us your problems and life...they turn are a victim of this world

9:49 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

A few months ago I was fighting depression and anxiety. When I wrote about that I received several supportive comments and emails.

Yes readers do respond to the erotic and also to subjects that intrigue them, but they also respond to the personal.

"A victim of this world." I think not I have been a victim of rape and on a different occasion a victim of an assault. But those were the actions of specific individuals. The world may not care about little me but it is not conspiring against me.


10:11 PM  

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