Monday, October 31, 2005

Yesterday I ran into friends of Dmitri, Leon and Andre. They told me he has left Paris and has taken a position at a school in the north. It was a surprise; he loved Paris so much and was dedicated to the school where he taught.

I guess I need to explain what happened. We were in Poland. As usual I was working on my business plan, in general D was supportive but at times he felt a bit left out. He commented with a bit of an edge that I spent more time looking at the computer than looking at him. A low blow perhaps, but not without a modicum of truth. I typed as I talked and commented that my business would let me do something else for work.

"What do you do Kim?" He asked.

There’s a reason your parents told you not to do two things at once and I fell into one of them. I kept typing while I gathered the courage to say what needed saying. "I’m a prostitute Dmitri," I said still typing till I finished the sentence and then closed the lap top and looked at him.

He had a look of disbelief. "What?"

I said it again "I’m a prostitute. "

I’ve thought often of how I would tell him if I ever did, and decided to use the word prostitute so there would be no confusion about what I meant. Escort or courtesan would lead to questions as to what I meant, but prostitute left no vagueness.

Why tell him? I’ve always known a time would come to either end the relationship or deepen it. Being with him over the summer I decided that I wanted to spend my life with him. But that caused another problem. A deception has been at the center of the relationship and if we were to have a life together I can’t have it start with a lie.

Needless to say it was a difficult night. We finally fell asleep from exhaustion and in the morning decided that it would be best if I returned to Paris ahead of him. The next town had a depot and he waited with me for the next train west. We sat there saying nothing staring straight ahead, when the train boarded I looked over to him and asked, "We'll talk in Paris?" He said nothing. By the time I boarded and found a seat he was gone.

When I returned I wrote a long thank you note to him for asking me on the trip and asked for his forgiveness and expressed my hope that he could see his way to give us a chance. A week or so later I received an envelope from him; it contained a check folded in a blank piece of paper. A notation on the corner of the check noted that it was a repayment of the loan made for the motor less my portion of the expenses. That was it I never heard from him again though I've tried numerous times.

Why did he ask? That puzzled me at first and then I realized that D was going through a process similar to what I was. He was preparing to commit to me as I was to him. For me I needed to ask some hard questions of myself as to whether I’d be happy raising a family on the income of an educator and I was. Maybe he began to reexamine me and he found a discrepancy that he previously either ignored or overlooked, but when it came to his attention he needed an answer.

“Kim,” Andre asked, “what happened? He was so unhappy when he got back, but when I heard from him while you were gone he was so happy.” Andre is D’s best friend and he wanted to make sense of what had happened. It was obvious that Dmitri hadn’t told him and neither would I, for me and for Dmitri, but mostly for me. And I don’t feel very proud of myself.

Kim

21 Comments:

Blogger Thaϊs said...

You have no reason to feel bad about yourself. What you do as an escort is complex and receives mixed reaction in the eyes of society. Yet we also always hope that people we invite into our lives see us for ourselves. Because otherwise, how can they truly know us?

To Dimitri learning what you do for leaving crossed out everything you two had before and everything he thought he knew about you. All the experiences and intimacy capitulated before one stereotype - immediately. As soon as he heard the word he branded you, without even trying to remember the real multi-dimensional you he met.

I don't think you need a man like this. As painful as it was, this was more a revelation about him than anything.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that we - as a society - like to think that our jobs reflect ourselves. Particularly with work that involves intimacy. I suspect that D viewed this as though you were cheating on him, and cheating on him was your profession. Whether or not your work was an outlet for "cheating."

Quel dommage for both you and D.

- AthenaNY

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

perhaps both you and D are refusing to compromise... to sacrifice something you have now for something better but diffrent

1:50 PM  
Blogger Clandestine Call Girl said...

Oh, Kim. What a difficult situation for you both. It took a lot of guts to do what you did and to make the decision to tell him instead of just tucking that part of your life behind you and hoping for the best, which is what I would have done. But you are a much braver person than I.

Hugs,

CCG

4:11 PM  
Anonymous j said...

Sorry for the length of this comment.

As a man, without any hint intended of condemnation, understand that your revelation likely caused D immense pain. He had fallen in love with you and found that at the center of you is another person. Let me try to explain.

It's a cliché to believe he merely thinks badly of you. It's more likely that as a sensitive person he's upset with himself. He now questions his judgement, his ability to trust and perhaps even his entire nature.

I've tried to come up with a comparison but nothing fits very well. You could be in love only to discover that he's gay, causing you to question what really passed between you. You could discover that the sensitive man you love has committed crimes of violence or is a pederast so you wonder how you couldn't see the horror within.

Unlike others, I hesitate to say D ran from a stereotype. How can I say this without sounding judgemental? The fact remains that you have sex for money. It is your choice. You weren't escaping a tiny village in Siberia or awful abuse at home. You are doing what you choose because it's lucrative and you enjoy it. Perhaps you have other psychological reasons, but it appears that you are a prositute for the money and the lifestyle.

D found that at the core of the woman he loved was a person who disengages herself emotionally in the most intimate part. Many relationships fail because one partner's work life involves unacceptable moral compromises. Working for a corrupt company and constantly turning a blind eye takes a huge toll on people. That's a form of disengagement. It's the subject of art and novels.

Think of it this way. D is left thinking that you could at any time disengage from him while continuing to act as though you are there. He could never trust your responses or feelings since you have successfully hidden them so well from him as the love developed. You have disengaged during your relationship.

Trust about sex is one thing. Yes, he will wonder how he can trust you knowing how easy it is for you to have sex with men you don't care about. But the real distinction is trust about feelings. If he wants to give himself totally to you as a woman, to share passionately with you a life, then he needs to trust the way you feel at the center of you.

You can say that you share with him an emotional bond that doesn't exist when you're a prostitute. That is the logic of swingers. If want that separation or if it's built into you, then you need to find a swinger. Ordinary men do not draw that line. They can't and won't. It's not right to say they should.

Again, from D's point of view, I'm sure he was building fantasy futures in his head with children and a whole life - as you were. He built those dreams, that love, on his perceptions of you. Yes, some of it is simply that he feels betrayed because you had sex with others while you were seeing him. But the real hurt, if D is a person of real depth, is that his perceptions of you, of the emotional core that every image of you rests on, was wrong.

And his images were wrong because you do disconnect yourself continuously and often. And for what? For money. Just money. Not because you must, not for principle, but for money. See the point?

I don't want to end this comment on that note. Your choices are yours. I am not judging them, only trying to explain how a sensitive person like D would view them.

The good news is that you're clearly capable of falling in love and of having a decent man fall in love with you. Who knows what happens next?

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sad to see you have proven yourself very evil and material..for all of the fiercely rich customers you have, you have lost your soul. All the long winded explainations in your comments...geez!

It's simple, no man alive wants HIS woman having sex with anyone else besides themselves, no matter what the reason. You've spent the entire realitionship endangering his life with STD's, and in a instant he felt that too. You can justify and lie to yourself on that, but it's true.

Remember, that ALL the customers you have are such losers they are paying for sex...so as rich as they may be, they have no true heart anyway.

It seems you will truely need to hit bottom before you understand anything at all.....which is sad, because you are obviously an intelligent young woman. You have dealt D. a blow that will last a lifetime, and stolen his love of Paris from him. It will now ever only harbor bad memories for him.

If you truely believe in your whoring lifestyle....tell your father next.

7:01 PM  
Blogger el Bow said...

Sorry to hear about your loss but sad to see the way 'anonymous' took advantage of your openness.

It suffices to say that whatever happened there must have been complicated and involved many elements.

Sadly, that's probably a consequence that you know well, and may again.

I would like to think that I would be willing to take a step back and seperate from the confusion of your announcement long enough to think clearly but you would never know until you're there.

You strike me as a most wonderful person and I hope you are happy again.

10:12 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Thank you all for your thoughts.

J, you articulated much better than me, my view of Dmitri.

Yes I have been angry about his reaction but my anger has been about his walking away and not his feelings. Though it would have been difficult I wished we had spoken again and he told me his decision.

As I have said I'm not surprised about his feelings and the fact he has left. Better for both of us that it happened now rather than at a time that is more complicated. I'll never hate D and I will always think fondly of him. If there is ever a second chance for us I hope finally being honest will benefit us.

Kim

11:57 PM  
Blogger Pete from Cal said...

My deepest sympathy, Kim, especially knowing how much D meant to you. I knew something was wrong when D's name dropped off your blog all of a sudden. I applaud you for your courage to reveal your profession when many of us would just put it behind us and move on. You're right asking how can you start a new life if it is built on a lie. I can't fault D for deciding to end the relationship but I know he is missing out on a VERY wonderful and special woman! If he only knew and what knew about you, I'm sure he would change his mind. Thank you for sharing with us on what happened. Sorry that it wasn't meant to be and I hope you are not jaded from the experience. Hope you will keep your heart open and be receptive to love again. You are a good and loving person that many people would be proud to call a friend and a lover. :) Best wishes to you Kim!

11:59 PM  
Blogger Thaϊs said...

As somebody whose comment was most judgemental on Dmitri, I would like to say that I like the analysis J posted, and I do agree that he is justly hurt. But the reason I feel the way I feel is because he made no attempt to work through those issues. None.
If a man I considered marrying told me he killed somebody - I would stick around to figure out how it came to be that way and what it means. I would not give up on a person I love because their past contains a "dark secret". Dmitri did.

12:05 AM  
Anonymous j said...

thaïs

If they were married, yes. If she were pregnant, yes. They weren't. They were at the sizing up stage.

My take, btw, on his not talking is that he needed a clean break. Maybe he didn't want to say things he wants to keep inside. Maybe he didn't want to blame. I don't know but it smells to me like he couldn't handle doing more.

3:01 AM  
Blogger Thaϊs said...

J:

I obviously didn't clarify enough. I am not advocating sticking together for eternity no matter what. I am saying that in relationships, there is definitely such thing as trying - or at least trying to understand. And if Dmitri couldn't handle even civil conversation after Kim's confession, then was he really a good candidate for a long term relationship? What else wouldn't he be able to handle?

It's okay to want a clean break. Relationships break all the time - under a build-up of small things. But the keyword here is build-up. There was none in this case. It was one revelation that crossed out everything else. Whatever D found was whatever preconception of the word "prostitute" existed in his mind. Not the reality of a living and breathing Kim. It was too hard for him to deal with the reality, so he went away - certainly with the best of intentions. I can understand and emphasise with him. We all can. He is still a good, complex person. But in my view, his reaction shows that he is a weak person - and I wouldn't want to be with somebody weaker than me.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thaïs - I think it is too easy to oversimplify and say "D just didn't like the concept!" As MCGirl said herself - "A deception has been at the center of the relationship..." MCGirl also used the word "lie." She also says that she typed on her keyboard as she gave the revelation to D. There are a few components here, not the least of which include body language, that might have contributed to D feeling hurt, deceived, cheated on, etc.

Perhaps MCGirl typed as she spoke because it helped her feel less confrontational about it. Fact is, she confessed. Perhaps a bit late, and perhaps after playing a game of deception, but she confessed. And she wanted integrity in her confession enough to make it perfectly clear what it is she does for a living. No "I am a geisha!" nonsense.

The point is, would MCGirl be willing to give up the job to be with D if offered the chance?

- AthenaNY

2:03 PM  
Blogger Thaϊs said...

I am obviosly not expressing myself clearly enough if people keep seeing oversimplfication...
Athena, as to your point: Kim said said before she was considering quitting. In this very post she said she was thinking if she could see raising kids at a teacher's salary, and that yes, she could.
And the point is not what Kim was willing to compromise to make this relationship work. The point is that D. would not even open a dialogue to try and find one.

I kept thinking about all of this. We have a crisis. One person learns knew information and makes assumptions on that basis. He has an option to check and see whether those assumptions are true, but that's too hard. So he chooses to make an extremely important decision on the basis of assumption only. If that is the way this person deals with crises, then do you want to be in his company when you two are facing another problem? My main point is, that D. could be a great lover, but not as great as a life partner - and perhaps it's better to learn this now than when it's too late.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And the point is not what Kim was willing to compromise to make this relationship work. The point is that D. would not even open a dialogue to try and find one."

You need to re-read my comment. I wrote, "...if offered the chance."

- AthenaNY

3:31 PM  
Anonymous j said...

Thaïs

I agree with your comments. We don't know. There's always a question about what the long term will bring, even when you're well down the road.

I would say that when one is getting over an emotional hurdle, it's best to think as you have described.

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

VJ Says:

I'm sorry to see this come to pass Kim. I too was wondering about D and what became of him. I think Thais has a good point here. If he was unwilling to talk with you about this, (if only for an exit interview sort of thing), he's probably not husband/life partner material. A short 1/2 hour would have sufficed, questions asked and answered, but he did not go for this. A clean break is fine, and we can suspect his feelings here, but he avoided any further discussion by leaving and never looking back. Excuse me for thinking that's the coward's way out of any conflict.

Lots of people have serious problems. Many also have darker secrets that are revealed to no one and remain so long after they expire. After all, this is prostitution, not murder nor larceny, and Kim made clear her desire to move on from there.

So let's put this in some perspective. Kim bravely went for total honesty revealing to D a secret that even her family remains ignorant of due to her love and expressing her committment to D and their possible future. It was a painful secret to be sure, but not all that uncommon really. (OK how many young brides lie to their respective husbands about how many boyfriends they've had? For many active gals & guys this easily can be in the 100's). D's response? He ran. Hard. Away. Far away. What a guy, right?

If it was me, I'd be sorely tempted to keep this a secret like the CCG suggested. This natually has it's costs, challenges and dangers too, but again not ones that are wholly unfamiliar either here or in France. But the argument is if you really love this person, they'd come to understand or accept this chapter in your life as long as it was behind you and you could make a new life together. But for D, for whatever reason, this proved to be too much.

D, Mr 'Playboy', probably had a certain understanding about women, and Kim finally crossed that line. Fine to be sexy and available trips and bedroom romps, possibly to even have other BF's too. But paying for sex? Perish the thought. Never mind every day people prostitute themselves for much more ugly and heinous causes for their paypackets.

So it's an issue of stigma that he could not overcome. Others will be willing to, know that much. Just because this one bloke made the mistake of running in terror does not meant that love is impossible or a future unworkable. I say you're smart, and have some obvious good business sense and with a good plan your business should be off the ground and a success soon. It will lead to better things. The past is better off forgotten. The further you remove yourself from it, the less responsibility you should hold yourself to announcing it to every gent you have a romantic interest in. This crude double standard needs to end, and it can end with you & us.

I say more crimes are committed daily in our White House than Kim has contemplated in her whole life. That means something to me, and of couse the fact that no one gets hurt here (well not physically at least). So know that you and everyone is deserving of love, true love that is understanding and kind, and the kind of love that does not run for the hills when the chips are down or when they learn something unpleasant about their spouse.

Sorry for the length, but this really annoys me! Cheers & Good Luck Kim! 'VJ'

5:21 AM  
Anonymous Regular said...

I am sorry for your loss Kim. Hoping the best for you.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Tiff said...

If he truly loved you he will be back. And with many questions.

3:05 AM  
Anonymous Pussy Talk said...

Kim, I'm sorry to hear of your split with Dmitri, but it seems to me that 99% of men would have acted in exactly the same way if they found out that the woman to whom they wanted to give their heart had been having sex for money with all sorts of other men all along.

He must have been crushed, to have so completely misread you. It's hard to talk sensibly when you're crushed, so he did the only thing he could do: walk away.

For people to judge him as cowardly and weak is uncalled for. Let whoever always faces the agonising facts about his or her own life or relationships cast the first stone here.

DTG xxoo

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you.

Sadly, though you may want to open up completely to a lover/partner, there are some secrets you should keep.

8:51 PM  

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