Monday, March 27, 2006

Romances are hard to turn into relationships and Peter and I faced the challenge of distance, a child, an ex and my business.

Late Friday afternoon I flew to Copenhagen, when I arrived at Peter’s the boy was sleeping and Peter had dinner ready. He’s a pretty good cook if for no other reason than he pays attention to when the food is cooked. Our relationship has moved to the point where I felt like we made love rather than had sex. We’re getting to know each other’s likes and what excites us.

In the morning little Peter was delighted to find me there. I made breakfast and we went to the aquarium. The fish fascinate both Peters and I guess Kim is also. As we had a lunch I had packed the child fell asleep in his stroller. Too much excitement I guess.

When we got back to the apartment Peter tucked the boy into his crib and we sat down to talk. There was a knock and the door opened, it was Erika, who invited herself in. I don’t know why she came, except to insert herself into our business. I decided that I wasn’t going to engage with her except at the most superficial level, though she tried with me. I was becoming irritated that Peter hadn’t asked her to leave, but I was also curious to see how he would handle it. Frankly things aren’t settled between Peter and Erika but it was time for him to make a choice.

After a bit I excused myself and went to the bedroom with a book. A while later she left, leaving a tension between Peter and me. In the morning I told Peter that I didn’t believe the time was right between us and that we should stop seeing each other. I told him that because of little Peter he was tied to Copenhagen and with my business I was tied to Paris. He tried to disagree but he knew that neither of us could move.

We sat across from each other for the longest while in silence when he finally asked if Erika and anything to do with my decision. I moved to sit next to him and took his hand, “Peter, any woman who gets involved with you will need to accept that Erika will be part of the reality of the relationship, but in order to accept that she will need to be sure of you.” He didn’t say anything but he looked very defeated.

It didn’t make a lot of sense to stay so I gathered my things and left.



Anonymous VJ said...

Sorry to hear of this Kim. It's a problem that millions of families would be intimately familiar with on a daily basis. There really have to be firm boundries set between Erika & you and Peter. He needs to do this, for himself, for his future and for little Peter.

It does not help matters much that E is a master manipulator, again something that's a rather common scenario for an ex. This can be disastrous with kids, let alone a new budding relationship. So I always thought (based on very limited information), that the time was somehow not right for Peter to make the break here and put his foot down and assert himself. It may never be quite right, but he can and should be willing to make an effort to make it better for you if he cared enough. It's sad, but again, not all that uncommon for many new relationships starting with some 'baggage'.

This is one of the reasons guys flee in terror when they hear the description from a women. No matter how fantastic they look or how successful they are, many guys will not look twice at a gal with a previous marriage and kids. And truth be told, most ex hubby's/BF are easier to deal with than ex wives or GF, but that's just the bias of personal observation here.

It's not all that far to travel, but it's eons in emotional development on the part of some of the main players. I'd still count him as a friend, but he's not a good candidate for a LTR until he and E come to some firm, binding agreement on resolving their ties and responsibilites to their child and themselves. In America, this is typically done with the lawyers in a formal divorce, in Europe and in special or unusual cases, the resolution may take years. But I was sorry to hear of this development. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say I am very impressed by that strength. It is something that I am learning at the moment. After so long with someone who has somehow been a tragedy and thorn in my side, trying to understand the if's and why's and how's and then just coming to realise no matter what, it just doesn't work.
Your clarity on knowing your boundaries should envy every woman out there. IT is SO important to know. And to know them clearly. Great blog. It is something that people should do. To know what they should not go through, prevent it and nip it in the bud before it gets too much.
Very good. Thanks for that. It gives me more inner strength to read blogs like the one you just wrote.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I came to my relationship with Peter with my eyes open. I knew much about his and Erika's background how they came together and why they split. Much of this information came from Anne Marie who has known both for a long time and introduced them. And I knew the details of AM's relationship with Erika after her split with Peter. So I knew it was a risk and when I saw where it was going I decided to cut my losses.

Peter is a nice guy, we parted as friends (at least that's my view) and I will look to him professionally when I need web development, that hasn't changed. If he resolves his relationship with E I'd try it again.

Peter and Erika never were married, the formalities of a divorce likely would be a benefit. The reason for their split was Peter's unwillingness to live with Erika's polyamory. In splitting they agreed on joint custody of the child and Peter moved to a small apartment on the next block to facilitate caring for little Peter.


12:37 PM  
Anonymous VJ said...

I had forgotten about Erika's poly bent. How very hypocritical to then want to actively thwart or prevent any new relationship Peter may want to engage in! Again, not uncommon for some polys. Poly for me, none for you. It's amazingly common somehow! Cheers, 'VJ'

8:54 PM  
Blogger Pete from Cal said...

Very sad to see it isn't working out with Peter; I was hoping it'd work out. I'm happy that you're able to see the relationship wasn't going anywhere because of Erika and Peter's inability to stand up to her. It takes strength and courage to walk away and you did what's best. Good luck!

10:40 PM  

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