Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Recently both Inner Journey and On Her Mind have posts on revealing their professions to a man who is significant to them. How difficult and stressful this was is apparent. My thoughts are with them.

Months ago when I struggled with telling Dmitri and trying to warn him off, a reader commented that perhaps I did not want a lover who could accept that I work as a prostitute. I now know that that is true about me, though it is not necessarily black and white and depending on the person I could balance the job and the relationship; at least for a while.


One definition of an adult is that unlike a child you recognize that there are choices to be made in life and that gratification often needs to be deferred. But my inner child is a bit jealous in reading about Lara’s extended trip to the tropics and Olympia’s impending campout here in Paris. Southeast Asia appeals to me and perhaps Buenos Aires or San Paulo. But alas I need to meet a payroll.


Last evening I was with Charles, we had dinner and then returned to his apartment. His wife is out of town for several days so I will be spending my nights (the pugs have a sitter) there. Charles keeps me on a retainer and in our post coital conversation I coyly mentioned that he was getting a good deal. Charles heartily agreed and expressed a willingness to significantly increase the stipend on the condition that our relationship becomes exclusive.

While I still feel being an escort is a better position both financially and personally, being a mistress has advantages for me given the other things that are happening in my life. But not being Charles’ mistress. For Charles it is about control, he knows little about my life, except that I’m living in the Eighth and nor does he care. But given the area of my residency he assumes correctly that it is an expensive apartment (I’m getting a deal since I’m house sitting) and that I escort to fund an expensive life style. That is sort of true but the reality I invest most of my earnings. Charles would like me in an apartment of his choosing and to be the sole source of my income, and then I suspect he would treat me just as he treats his wife.



Anonymous Just Another Escort said...

I think you suspect right.

3:46 AM  
Anonymous VJ said...

Yep, at least about Charles here. Kim do remind me where I put that post in response to the Dmitri episode, or at least what month that was. I was looking for it the other day for comparison purposes. But on this score, I think the experiences are going to be broadly similar with many folks. I'm for a 'modified limited hangout' on such questions. (As RMN used to say, during the 1970's). The truth, but in very sparing doses, until you can tell if the possible partner is one of those very rare flowers that will not wilt in the rain, or in the direct sunlight of reality. There's really no reason to box yourself in and experience all the drama otherwise. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In your emotional calculus, you should also work in whether you're straight or gay and if you want the former but need the latter how that will work.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous VJ said...

Here's a reprise of that old time rant on the issues of honesty & 'compete truth', I made it for one of Moxie's blogs:

"Dr. Janice says: "Healthy relationships are based on trust, and so it's better to be honest all of the time. And that means not checking someone's cell phone or email either. Trust has to go both ways." [Dr. Janice is the 'Doctor Love coach'].

I say to this, yes and no. Yes, most healthy relationships are based on trust, and as often as not, this has very little to do with "[being] honest all of the time". Pick a percentage, but I'm betting that for most living humans, this is going to be less than 100% of the time. Now your dog may never lie about love, but most people will. Repeatedly. Willingly. And at times flamboyantly. The trick is to pick a partner who has your level of preferred 'truthiness' in him or her.

Want a challenge? Pick someone close to the high end, the 90% er's for a partner. These are typically social misfits who never learned that 'Do I look fat in this?' is a loaded rhetorical question. You'll be getting the kind of spouse or partner who through their own deliberate kind of crass stupidity, callousness, pride or false sense of 'truth telling' will also tell your Momma that she's fat. Or stupid, or worse. Ladies & Gents, *THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVEMENT IN CHARACTER*!

Being able to lie, and lie well is not just helpful to Most relationships, it's down right essential for some aspects of them. This is doubly true if you're in love with this partner, and hope to maintain and live a life together. You may be mad as hell that honey spent your vacation money on a non refundable Bass Boat that was on 'sale'. What do you do? Wait a bit and spend the next paycheck on something for yourself. This might sound 'passive aggressive', but it can keep things together for years.

Not many couples need or even require total honesty from their partners. Hubby does not need to know that he's the least interesting bed partner you've ever had, and you've had 4 times more than he'd ever suspect. Wifey need not be told that she's gained enough weight to make an off tackle proud, and that the huge resulting divot in the marital bed forces you to snuggle up close due to sheer gravitational pull. No the truth needs to be used sparingly on those we love. We may owe it to them, but in select and small doses perhaps. That's tact & diplomacy. It's good manners. Brutal honesty is used on people you don't know well. For most everyone else, it'll be pretty hurtful. The 'truth' as often as not hurts, and it's fairly elusive too.

Your truth may not be my truth. Your version of the truth may be fanciful, inventive, or just plain a construct of your twisted imagination. Communication is always more important than the truth. Ditto for the ethos of caring. Communicating caring. Start there.

Truth is a highly evolved and abstract concept. You definitely need a map to get there with most people. 'Do you mean this kind of truth, given this circumstance, and this place?' You can deliver some of it when queried, but always 'How many people have you been with?' is almost irrelevant. Get tested. Until you're cleared (and possibly afterwards depending on the circumstances), wear a condom. Simple, safe & effective. Yeah, she/he looked innocent. He's a Seminary student, she was a technical 'virgin' until 27. Sure, whatever. Use the love glove. You'll not be sorry. See? Was that difficult? No need to navigate the dangerous shoals of 'What did he mean by, not really seeing anyone for the last year?' It means the 2 barmaids he's been banging regularly since last May don't count for him. What does she mean by 'technical virgin?' Well she's saved something special for someone special. We know not what, but we can suspect that she may have had plenty of sexual contacts just the same. No need to delve into complex descriptive definitional contests here that would make Clinton's lawyers proud. If you've been sexually active or plan to be, you need to take active adult precautions to keep yourself safe from all sorts of nastiness.

The truth of the matter may be complex enough to take years to explain and understand. It is not discovered about any person in one night, not in one week, not even in one year. It may be more fully revealed in the fullness of time, it may remain in parts a desperately hidden dark secret that one takes to the grave for fear of the harm that might result. It really depends on the circumstances. And the hell of it is that all of us instinctively KNOW this, but somehow we are caught up in this silly romantic notion that the 'other' in our partners needs to be known in it's entirety. This is profoundly silly, and often counter productive. We can know enough, we can never know all. We can seldom even know all that there is to know about ourselves either. That's the hard truth here." Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

12:21 AM  
Anonymous VJ said...

That should have been 'honesty and complete truth' of course on the first line of the last post. Cheers, 'VJ'

12:22 AM  

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