Monday, January 15, 2007

The flu hit me over the weekend. When I returned from the US I began to feel rundown. The last few months have been busy and very stressful and it finally caught up with me. Thursday I began to feel blah in the afternoon, a headache and that weak all over feeling. I had so much to do with the move into our offices scheduled for Monday and preparations with a client for the upcoming couture shows.

So I plugged on, till Friday morning when I began vomiting soon after waking. After a period of careful examination of the porcelain I returned to bed, called Mia to tell her I was sick and asked her to pinch hit or cancel my meetings and then I went to sleep. Pretty much I was down all weekend, my friends checked in to see if I was ok and brought along food. This morning the movers came and collected everything that needed to go to the office. None of it was packed of course, as I intended to do that over the weekend, so I paid them to do it. Since I was feeling better I worked some catching up on my messages and working on a proposal that’s due.

As the weeks wind down till when I will no longer be a prostitute I’m beginning to mourn the loss of this part of my identity. I’m not having second thoughts, as this is what I need to do so that another opportunity in my life will blossom, but I am missing it already. There is the money of course, but at this time that is not as important as some of the intrinsic rewards I receive. Previously I wrote about how whoring filled a need that I have for control and submission and this need may go unfilled for a while, or forever in my developing relationship and I’ve not figured out how I’ll adjust to this. Also there is the sense of wonderment that I receive when men are willing to pay me to be with them. Cynically I know that they are paying me with something they don’t value, money. But hey, one man’s unwanted paper is another woman’s Kelly bag.

Kim

5 Comments:

Anonymous VJ said...

Hope you're feeling better soon Kim. And if you're counting the weeks until you start a new phase in your life, things are moving along smartly & well indeed! Cheers & Good Luck with it all, 'VJ'

11:39 PM  
Blogger niadarkandlovely said...

Kim,

Hope you get rid of the flu. Wishing you good luck with this new part of your life.

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Valiant said...

Kim,

I have followed your blog for a while and have commented before, but something struck a chord here and I wanted to prod your thinking a little. The point was your comment that leaving prostitution behind will may leave a gap in meeting a need for control and submission that will not be fulfilled by your new relationship.

I recognised the dominant side of me later in life, about 10 years ago, although looking back it has always been there and others have recognised it, just not me.

In the last 10 years Ihave struggled personally having to suppress the need to satisfy my dominant side in order to meet the other responsibilities in my life. I have to confess it is been a continual struggle and frustration and has interfered with trying to maintain and develop a purely vanilla relationship.

In recent years I have been talking with many who have this need (submission or domination) and many are not free to "celebrate" it and seem to have similar difficulties suppressing it.

It is like Pandora's Box, once you recognise the need and can articulate it as you can, then you can never put it away. All the time you suppress it, it will push for expression.

This is not the place for deep discussion about whether these are elemental or irresistable needs, but I would counsel that as you build with Raymond, you really think hard about this side of you and look for strategies that allow some expression; denial/supression is not a sustainable approach.

Good luck

11:12 AM  
Blogger desert diamond said...

Ugh - I hope you're feeling better. The flu is no fun at all.
In reading your blog I've come to the conclusion that you will in time create for yourself what you need to fill the void left by an aspect that is no longer a primary part of you.
Best of luck, Kim.

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Blue Being said...

Kim, I've been reading your blog for
about 2 years.

You stated you were bi....will this
cramp your relationship w/Raymond?

Blue Being

4:54 PM  

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