Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Lately I had recurring dreams of committing suicide. Having dreams about taking my own life aren’t new, they crop up from time to time, but these are different. Usually I sense myself falling through the air and hitting a body of water. I never struggle but allow myself to float peaceably beneath the surface till I expire. Then I may waken and know I’m fine and roll over and return to sleep or I’ll remember in the morning.

I’m pretty sure that if I ever do take my life, I’ll throw my self off a bridge into a river. As an adult the two times that I’ve seriously considered suicide I went to bridges and sat on the railing to consider my options. I’ve always swung my legs back over to the deck and come home. I cross the Seine each day and if I’m walking or on my bike I may stop for a few seconds and look down at the water to tell the river that it’s not going to get me.

But in these dreams I take pills and as I feel my dream-self passing, I begin to struggle and then wake with a start, crying and wet with perspiration. For some reason these are nightmares. My mother used pills, so that is probably the connection and why it is so frightful.

Though I haven’t felt depressed, these nightmares have been often enough that I began tracking my depression inventory, things like am I sleeping well, eating regularly, not losing weight, have I felt anxious, etc. When I’m depressed, I’ll usually have several of these indicators at the same time and I know its time to seek help and take my anti-depressants. But nothing jumps out so the dreams have some other cause.

This will be good fodder for my session when my therapist returns from vacation later in the month.



Anonymous VJ said...

Sorry to hear this Kim, but I know you're not alone. The pills I take for the disturbed sleep really have hangover effects into the next day. This gets worse with age & conditions, and does not seem to be getting much better. On the brighter side the wife is getting louder of course, but she's rarely disturbed in her sleep. Sometimes she can carry on whole conversations in her sleep too. The only problem comes when she starts asking questions. They usually have no satisfactory answer. You get the cutest sleepy scowls then. It really rarely wakes her. Truly a blessing to have, innit? Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

8:27 AM  
OpenID stirling-b said...

I've learned not to take my dreams seriously, They seem to be my brain's way of blowing off steam.

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Phantom Man said...

Kim, since you don't feel depressed, I suggest that your dreams of dying may be your way of letting go of some part of your life and getting ready to move on to a new phase. Perhaps this transition is frightening to you, but it is necessary and will be helpful in the long run. I hope you will find a way to let go, and anticipate a new and happy beginning. I'm pulling for you.

9:52 PM  
Anonymous pete from cal said...

Sure I think of killing myself and my boss too when work gets too stressful but I know it is nothing more than a stress relief fantasy. I find your recurring suicidal dreams/nightmares a bit more alarming given your history of depression and other episodes. I had almost forgotten you have depressions because you haven't mention it in a long while. Please do talk to your therapist so we can understand the root cause of it; in the mean time, please refrain from jumping off any bridges, okay?! ;)

2:40 AM  
Anonymous VJ said...

I'm with Pete here too on that score. Cheers & Keep Well, 'VJ'

7:39 AM  
Blogger SimplyAlexa said...

You know, dreams can be windows to a past life experience not always of what is to come. I have had dreams about being murdered or beheaded or something like that and now that I know it is of the past, I can take them with a grain of salt. Granted I have a strong 6th sense and I do have brief dreams of deja vu type things but I am able to differentiate between the two. Focus on the horizon and find the good things in life to think about...they will help sustain you.


5:55 PM  

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