Monday, November 16, 2009

The NY meetings were followed by a pair in Atlanta, after which I returned to NY to meet Christine. It was a difficult time. As her graduation approaches, problems in our relationship that have been papered over are coming forward. I’d like her to come to Paris, I’m settled, and she needn’t worry about money or working. Denise would like to sublet part of her workspace as she no longer is living in it and would love having C join her. I’ve offered to rent her a studio of her own if sharing with Denise isn’t satisfactory. I’ve even suggested we split our time between Paris and somewhere of her choosing.

I’m pretty sure I know what’s wrong and when I go there she clams up. I brought our future up Saturday afternoon, she said, “Let’s not talk about that now.” We fought about it in our room Saturday night, a full on scream fest, so much so that an adjoining room called the desk, who checked to see if we were alright. I admit that I lost it and made things worse than it should have been. After the desk called we didn’t say much to each other.

Sunday morning we walked silently toward the subway, her for the train station and me for JFK. A cab was at the curb, dropping passengers. Impulsively I decided to take it, the idea of spending an hour on the subway with others was unappealing and I wanted to be alone. I told C that I wanted to take the cab and checked to ensure she knew how to reach her train and then gave her a hug and told her I’d message her when I got home and asked she do the same.

As the cab pulled away and I watched her recede in the distance the thought, the fear, that I’d never see her again crossed my mind. By the time the cab reached the tunnel, I’d begun crying. Not weepy tears, but full fledged sobbing that not even the driver could ignore and when traffic slowed he checked to see if I were OK.

When I arrived in Paris, a six letter message from her was waiting, “home ok,” I replied that I was to and that I’d call later, as I knew she’d be asleep. Later in the day I did call, but she didn’t answer and hasn’t called back.



Anonymous VJ said...

Sorry to hear this about C & you Kim. It is what it is, and sometimes you've got to play it where it lies. It sounds as if you've tried to be more than generous & thoughtful, which is about as decent as anyone might hope for. Sometimes the secrets of the soul lie deeply hidden even from the best of friends. Sorry they put you though ATl, but I hope your stay here was somewhat pleasant. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

4:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry girl... just now reading this. quite agreed with vj. -eb.

8:17 PM  

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