Saturday, January 23, 2010

The snow covered, part frozen marshes swept past the train window, my eyes barely focusing on them. My phone rang, I dug it out my purse and looked at it, it was Christine, I thought for second about not answering, but did. “You forgot your bag,” she said referring the Birkin. “I left if for you, I told her, you wanted it and will appreciate it more than me.” I wanted to add, think about me when you wear it or more truthfully, when you use it I hope the memory of me haunts you, but didn’t. She thanked me and said I shouldn’t have and then we were silent. Finally she said, “I guess I’ll let you go.” “Fine,” was my reply and I pressed the end button.

Staring out the window, a numbness began to set in; I couldn’t believe what had happened. I’d come to visit, sure that we would work things out and solidify our future, but... Time passed, stops were announced, the train would come to a halt and passengers would scurry off and then on. I didn’t notice any of it, only focusing on the odd piece of detritus along the track. Finally the announced the last stop South Station and when the train stopped I got up and struggled retrieving my bag, it being too heavy and me too short, a gentleman helped. I thanked him but couldn’t look him in the eye.

As I walked along the platform, I could see Leah waiting for me under the schedule sign. It cheered me seeing her there wearing a baggy sweater and leather coat but undeniably pregnant. We hugged and she held me tight and whispered how sorry she was and did I want to talk. I fought back the tears and thanked her but no, I needed to be away from it. What I really wanted to do was touch her belly and feel my future niece or nephew.

At the airport I checked in and checked my bag, after that we found a place for coffee and to sit. We talked about Christine of course, I couldn’t help it and the tears came again to the point that I wished red was a standard color for eyeliner. When the time came for me to go to the gate, she walked with me and we said our goodbyes. The security line was short but I got the full going over. I figured I might when the agent gave me a long look as I showed him my ticket and documents. Mercifully, I slept through the flight and needed to be wakened by the flight attendant. The wonders of modern pharma.

By the afternoon of my return home, the melancholy set in, different than my bouts with depression but the same feeling I experienced with my mother’s death, grieving. Fortunately I’ve been busy and Wags is a bundle of happiness, but when I least expect it the disappointment sweeps over me and I so miss the little routines of our day. Beginning with the wake up sleepy head morning greeting to the page full of xo’s for a good night and in between the messages and calls and the pleasant surprise of her popping up in my IM queue.

It’s getting better, but this has been the hardest breakup I’ve experienced and the one that I can’t point to a reason as to why it failed.



Blogger Gillette said...


9:24 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

I've been there. A major break up has been described as emotionally analogous to a death in the family. When my first wife and I split, for good reasons, I was still shattered and it took several years to recover. Give your heart time to heal. I have seen unfortunate results with friends who entered into rebound relationships.

6:30 PM  
Anonymous VJ said...

I'm sorry to hear of it Kim. Looking in from a great distance, it was a bit like a chronicle of a death foretold. She sounded more than a bit confused & unready, & more than uncertain of what she wanted. You might chalk that up to some extent on a 'flighty' artistic temperament. But it's all been there for a long time too. Certainly the love too. And sometimes it's only the memory of such that might endure. Sadly enough. It was wonderful while it was playing. In it's absence is just loss & the warm dross of yesterday. When the truth is told, it's the love that existed that will endure in our memories. Nothing much more. Cheers & Brighter moments to you, 'VJ'

3:16 AM  
Anonymous Ken said...

Poignant and beautifully written. Things will get better.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ugh i'm so sorry girl. i've nothing more to add to what's already been said but my support and big, long, warm hug. —eb

8:29 PM  

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