Monday, December 28, 2015

Christmas morning I dressed and sat down on the bed for a few moments when the tears began to flow. Several times a day I begin crying for no discernible reason. Sometimes my eyes moisten as if in the wind on a cold day and other times it is full body quaking sobbing. That morning I sobbed. There was a knock on the door and Dad asking to come in. I invited him in and he sat beside me gathering me in his arms. For those few moments I wasn't the crazy, spinster daughter being comforted by her elderly father, but a little girl whose dad would make her problems disappear. The tears passing, we joined the others.

Saturday, Denise picked me up in Buster to drive to the village where she'd spend the week with me. I was happy to get out of Paris and wanted to be by the water where it would be quiet. She drove and I alternately stared at the countryside or scrolled through my Tumblr feed. On our way we stopped to shop for some food as I was feeling up to making dinner.

As we were finishing, there was a knock on the door, it was Mirelle, who noticed the lights and came by with a bottle of wine. I'm not drinking, I can't. Between my meds and alcohol being a depressant... Mirelle wasn't aware of my hospitalization so while Denise cleaned up I told her of my past month.

Sunday morning I was up early and after taking Wags out came back and made coffee. I looked at the clock, it was about 8, first light wouldn't be for a half hour and sunrise, if it could be seen, another half hour. I filled a thermos, grabbed a beach chair and walked with Wags to sit on the quay to imagine the sun rising. The fog was thick and a light mist filled the air, finding a place under an awning, we settled down. After a bit I got the urge to walk to the end of the wooden pier that juts out from the stone quay. At the end of the pier I looked into the water that sloshed about the pilings a meter below the dock. It was high tide and i could nearly splash my feet in the water.

I still think about suicide, but not now, some other time, in the future. Looking at the water and thinking about my death, it affirmed that in the water would be how I will go.

Then I heard Denise scream, "Kim, NO!" And I turned and looked at the panic in her face as she ran toward me. I waved and she broke stride, "I'm OK, I'm OK. I wasn't going to do it," I said as she reached me. We hugged and walked back to the house. 



Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry those demons continue to haunt you. I hope the coming year affords relief from their evil pall.

7:22 PM  

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